Monday: The insanity has already begun. Yes, I am a Virgo. It’s Mercury Retrograde. Let’s just get that out of the way first and foremost. Also, I am dyslexic. So my grammar is often on its own journey through my words and some of my words don’t always make it on the first leg of the trip.

Leaving me in a constant state of edit and update.

Disclaimers done for now.

SO…

It’s 5am. I’m on the 405. Driving to work. To a job that I don’t want to do. But I do. But I don’t. My emotions are tied and tied up in knots as I live in a city, LA, that currently feels like my industry, entertainment, and many others are hanging on for dear life.

And yet still, LA seems to be getting more and more expensive every single day. Tell me why brunch at a mid level spot, two people, no alcohol, no fancy food, we’re talking eggs, bacon and bread, ends up being around $80 pre-tax and tip? I just don’t get it.

Did I miss the turn where Laurence Fishburne offers me the blue pill or the red pill? Why do I feel like I spaced out, took a detour and somehow auto piloted myself to chugging down a murky green pill reality? I have the red pill awareness. But I’m stuck in the curved pace of the blue pill boxed monotony out of necessity. What I would give at times to not be immune to it’s clueless bliss. (Side note: I would also like to wake up one day and know kung fu)

As previously stated I am on the 405, going 85 and or 90+ mph (allegedly of course), belting full blown at the top of my lungs, along with Linda Perry, cause fate knew this morning I needed to express myself via duet, to god, the universe and any place my decibels can be heard, “WHAT’S GOING ON?” Not to be confused with a cute girl dramatically scream car singing her feelings moment. No, this is a fully actualized self inflicted, exorcist needed, invoking an existential inquiry’s desperate appeal for a nondenominational deus ex machina moment.

FUCK! Where did all this traffic come from?! Again it’s 5am! Why are all these cars here? WHY AM I HERE?

Suddenly, Brakes slammed. Tires screech. Horns blare. Heart races. I zig zag my car trying to save myself and others. Officially this has now been upgraded to a WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON moment?

NOW traffic is at a HALT and full blown crash out mode is activated as my inner dialogue goes rapid fire into an anxiety spin cycle.

I am going be so late! I can’t be late for my stupid job. I don’t even want to go to this job. Still I can’t be late. What’s worse is why I have to do this job. What’s happened to my dream job? You know, the one I worked for my whole life? Haven’t I done enough? Haven’t I have worked hard enough. Haven’t I sacrificed enough? I have been knocked down a thousands times. I have also gotten back up each and everyone of those times. Isn’t that enough? Doesn’t that count for something? Am I doing something wrong? Sure I’ve had small victories. But still, I am still headed to this stupid job. I so thought my life would be way cooler by now. Why isn’t it enough?

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

I just had to be an artist. I really thought I was doing something when I decided against having a Plan B. What’s a Plan B? Why would I plan for my dream not to come true. I brought that energy with my full chest. Clearly that thought process did not age well. Now when everything has gone haywire it’s like wild west. And that’s why I am headed to this stupid job. Cause I need it.

This lifestyle is not for the weak. It also may not be to appealing to the mentally stable crowd either. It’s a strange day when you have to be honest as to where you fall on that spectrum. Sometimes I imagine when the universe presented me with my earth life options it was like, “Congratulations we have two placements available for you, asylum patient or artist. They’re basically the same so just choose one.”

FUCK! We are still not moving. It’s already 5:15 am. Apparently there was just no point in me ever waking up early. Again, what I would do for a little deus ex machina! You know, what’s even the point of my words? I think I’m just gonna sit in my car and scream as loud as I can for eternity and or til my throat gives way. I mean, why not?

Wait, why is this guy in the car next to me staring.

Is he smirking. Oh god, he must have seen my head figuratively spinning for the past few minutes. Well, that’s humbling. Fuck, why does he have to be low-key kinda hot? Ugh. If I could only melt into my seat right now. Is he saying something to me? B-breathe? Breathe? Breathe. He wants me to breathe? Ugh. Crunchy, hippie LA guy, fine I’m breathing. I’m breathing. See. Have to do that to live anyway. But sure, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon anyway. So I’m breathing..breathing .. And.. I am starting to feel a little better, calmer. Huh… Is he motioning for me to roll down my window? It’s giving ick, but fine. Force those face muscles into a smile. He is being nice. Be nice back.

“It’s gonna be ok. It’s just another day in LA.”

..It’s just another in LA? What? It’s just another day in LA. Really guy, thanks for stating those prophetic words of obviousness. Just another day in LA, like it’s nothing… Wait. Why are his words making me laugh? Not in a bad way. In a relief way. It is just another day in LA. It is nothing. None of this is a that big of a deal.

To be fair. Is my job awful? No. Is it my dream job? No! It’s more like my dream adjacent job, my dream job’s consolation prize. You know how they say be careful what you ask for… Well apparently that sh#$ is legit. I have always said, if I don’t have my dream job, then I want a super easy job, in my industry, that makes good money, that allows me to keep pursuing my dream. And that’s the job where I am headed now. Actually I’m lucky to have this job cause a lot of people aren’t even working.

OH! The traffic is moving! It’s moving. It’s 5:30am.

According to maps whatever the issue was, it is no more. I’m going to be on time with fifteen minutes to spare. Yes! It is going to be ok.

Let me smile “Thank you” to this guy and get on with my life.

Yes, I admit I chose Mach ten insanity this morning. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s Monday. Maybe it’s early. Maybe it is the Mercury retrograde. I love blaming astrology. It’s the La way. Sure, there are some intense loud feelings I need to address. But I’ve had enough of them and my insanity for today.

So for now I will bid them both adieu.

Thank you for attending my pre-Ted Talk warm up workout room session. Now cue Manic Monday and let’s get on with the day. Have a good one!